SATIRE — This is a fictional parody inspired by real news. All dialogue and comic details are invented.
FAIRMONT, W.Va. — West Virginia’s bid to host the United States Space Academy has encountered its first major design question: where to put the mat that says, “Wipe your feet.”
The proposed mat would sit between the airlock and the good living room. A second mat would be installed beyond it, because the first one apparently means nothing to some people.
The fictional committee has also commissioned a 90-page feasibility study on the doormat. Apparently humanity can land on the moon before an institution can decide where to put a damn rug.
In The Daily Holler’s entirely fictional version of the bid, a hospitality committee has declared the state ready to welcome the next generation of space explorers, provided they call when they get there.
“We support exploration,” said an imaginary committee member, moving a casserole out of a flight simulator. “We do not support tracking the Sea of Tranquility through the house.”
One small step. Shoes off.
The academy’s fictional orientation would cover orbital mechanics, advanced propulsion, and how to decline a third helping without implying anything was wrong with the first two.
Cadets would also practice giving directions. “Straight up for a while” has been rejected as insufficiently specific, although “past where the old satellite used to be” remains under review.
The cafeteria has proposed a pepperoni roll engineered for zero gravity. Early trials suggest the roll is fine, but someone will have to catch the crumbs before they become a separate space program.
Mission control is on the porch
The imaginary campus tour concludes with a rocking chair overlooking the mountains. Prospective astronauts are invited to sit a spell, consider the vastness of the universe, and explain why they need to leave when supper is nearly ready.
No final academy location has been announced in the source behind this parody. In the meantime, the fictional welcome committee is preparing for every possibility.
It has put the good towels out.
The real story behind the joke: West Virginia announced on October 7 that it is competing to host the United States Space Academy. The announcement describes a bid, not a selection. Read the governor’s announcement.
Source checked October 9, 2026. Artwork: AI-generated satire illustration, not a news photograph.