SATIRE — The repair-plan announcement below, pothole representatives, and all dialogue are fictional. This parody is inspired by West Virginia’s real road-maintenance announcements.
CHARLESTON, W.Va. — In The Daily Holler’s fictional version of West Virginia road policy, a proposed pothole repair plan has been delayed after the potholes requested 90 additional days to review how being filled might affect their way of life.
The request came from the Mountain State Association of Established Road Cavities, which insists it supports infrastructure improvements as long as those improvements happen somewhere else.
“Nobody wants good roads more than we do,” said its imaginary spokesman, a water-filled depression known locally as That Son of a Bitch Past the Dollar General. “But you can’t just pour asphalt over stakeholders.”
A hole with standing
The association has demanded a public hearing, an environmental review, and written assurances that no pothole will be displaced before receiving comparable accommodations in another lane.
One senior pothole claims historic status because three generations of the same family have hit it on their way to church.
“At this point, I’m a landmark,” it said. “People give directions using me. Fill me in and half the county won’t know where to turn.”
A neighboring cavity has applied for a tourism grant, describing itself as an immersive experience with complimentary suspension testing.
Its brochure reads: “Come for the mountains. Leave with your coffee in the headliner.”
The committee needs another meeting
Under the fictional proposal, the potholes would form a working group to determine whether the road actually needs to be flat.
The group’s first meeting was postponed when its chairman merged with two smaller holes and became a regional authority.
Drivers have questioned why a hole needs three months to study asphalt when it can swallow a hubcap in half a second.
The association called that rhetoric divisive.
“We prefer ‘unexpected vertical travel opportunity,’” its spokesman said. “Pothole is such a negative word.”
An imaginary motorist attending the hearing said she would welcome a repair, provided it lasted longer than the receipt from her last alignment.
“I’m not asking for the Autobahn,” she said. “I’d just like to get to work without my dashboard sounding like a drawer full of silverware falling down the stairs.”
Progress has been announced
The fictional committee eventually agreed to establish a timeline for developing a framework to consider scheduling repairs.
It described the agreement as a major breakthrough.
The potholes described it as winter housing secured.
By press time, the largest hole had requested another extension. It said it needed room to grow.
The real story behind the joke: On March 10, 2026, the West Virginia Division of Highways announced its annual pothole-patching effort as asphalt plants reopened. This is background for the parody, not a new October announcement. The association, hearings, delays, and quotations above are invented. Read the original WVDOH announcement.
Source checked October 9, 2026. Artwork: AI-generated satire illustration, not a news photograph.
